On love and farting

You remember your “firsts.”

My wife, Tracy, and I went on our first date (Hartfield Lanes & Lounge in Berkley, Michigan) on October 5, 2006.

We kissed for the first time while watching ‘LOST’ in her living room.

I remember the first time she introduced me to someone as her boyfriend and the first time I introduced her to someone as my girlfriend.

I remember the first time I met her family and the first time she met mine.

I remember the first time we said “I love you.”

I remember the first time we made love.

Once you get to one of these “firsts” in your relationship, they become the norm. You keep dating. You form relationships with the other person’s family and friends. Saying “I love you” is like a period at the end of every sentence you say to each other. You round first base and head to second. Then third. And, until you have kids, you have sex once or twice a day.

Just kidding. It was only three or four times a week.

Not all “firsts” are romantic.

I remember the first time Tracy farted in my presence. It was a revelation.

“We can do that in this relationship?” I thought to myself (after I got over the initial shock of discovering that women pass gas, too). Soon, farting became a testimony to our comfort and intimacy with each other. One day, Tracy encouraged me to “go ahead and pee” while she was putting on her makeup a few feet away. That was the day I knew this relationship has what it takes to last a lifetime.

Ah, the romance.

Tracy and I have been together for almost 12 years now and I’m learning about how intentional we have to be about our relationship.

We need to be as intentional now as we were the night of our first date. The truth is, we need to be even more intentional.

For example, our “I love you’s” and goodbye kisses in the morning have become as automatic as brewing the coffee and packing lunches.

Listening to each other–hanging on every word and staring deeply into each other’s eyes–gives way to “Yeah, I’ve heard all this before. Get to the point, please.”

Lovemaking, if left to whenever we don’t feel distracted or tired, will happen as often in one year as it used to happen in one week.

And farting. There was a time when it was a declaration of love and trust. We’re past that now. Now it’s just inconsiderate and rude.

I would never think of barging into the bathroom to take a leak while Tracy is brushing her teeth at the sink.

Which is to say that in marriage, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Just because you do something doesn’t mean you’re doing it well. Just because something used to be doesn’t mean it will be now.

I think the worst thing we can take in marriage is “for granted.”

The best thing we can give to our partners is our daily attention and intention. People change. Marriages change. We need to love our partners as they need and want to be loved now, not as they did back then.

I’m not writing this because I’m good at it. Tracy will tell you.

But I think the day we say to ourselves: “I’m good at this marriage stuff” is the day we start to fall behind and lose a step with our partners.

So, if you’re in young love, cherish that first shared fart.

If you’re deep into marriage, think about your partner as if you’re wooing her or him early in your relationship.

It’s all good if you make it so.

Onward and upward.