ADHD, OCD, perfectionism, and the Gospel

There will be a couple of “business items” at the end of this blog post. I hope you stick around to read them. Now, on to my thoughts for the day…

I started making lists of goals and to-dos in high school.

Each New Year’s Day, I would write out my goals for the year and make a plan to achieve them. On the first of each month, I would revise the goals and the plan. Each week, I would make a to-do list and I would update it each day of the week.

My goals were big and manifold. My to-do lists were pages long. And I’m just talking about goals and to-do lists for a single day.

I got out of control.

At one point in my adult life, I could spend up to two hours each morning making a three- or four-page to-do list for the day.

Can you imagine the depression, discouragement, and shame that came from that daily exercise? By the time I was done planning the day, I had two fewer hours to actually do anything. I didn’t account for things like eating, going to the restroom, and interruptions that are normal to life. At the end of the day I was hanging my head over crossing off two items on a 96-item to-do list. Eventually, I turned to addictive and compulsive behaviors to numb the pain and shame.

You think I exaggerate, but I promise you: I did this.

This is the world of an achiever (“Type A”) personality with borderline obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and severe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

I’ve gotten a lot better over the last four years. Perhaps the second most important factor in my improvement is my recognition and acceptance that I’m Type A with OCD and ADHD. I’m becoming attentive to my behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. I’m learning to respond to myself with grace, tact, and wisdom.

I also hired a personal coach to help me learn a new way to live. Since beginning our relationship in the spring of 2015, I’ve shortened and simplified everything about my goal setting and to-do lists. My daily to-do lists are often about half a page now.

The most important factor in my improvement, however, is the birth of my son, Daniel.

It would be simple to say that the demands of having a child set some hard limits on my galloping goal-setting and listless list-making. And it would be true. If you have a child, you know how your schedule conforms to her or his schedule. The time you thought was your own now belongs to a person who has no concept of time.

What really changed me, however, was how I imagined the world through Daniel’s eyes. I began to ask myself: What is he learning about life and living through his interactions with me? What memories will he make from what I’m doing for him and with him? How will those memories shape his life and his relationship with the people and world around him?

When I started thinking this way, my goals and to-do lists seemed less and less important with each new day. What did Daniel care about my goals and my to-do lists? What would he ever care about those things?

Would he care that I could describe and sometimes accomplish grand goals? Would he care that I could make a to-do list and get most of it done? How much would my achievements in life and my sense of importance in the world really mean to him?

While it’s important to a boy to grow up and inherit a good name (and perhaps a small fortune), what means the most to a boy is that his dad loves him and wants to spend a lot of time with him. Daniel won’t remember much about my job or my interests apart from him. He will remember a lot about what we do together. He’ll remember that I cooked him breakfast and sat down to eat it with him every morning. He’ll remember that I read him five stories every night before bed. He’ll remember that I took him out for ice cream (or Krispy Kreme doughnuts) after Wednesday night Bible class. He’ll remember the notes I wrote him or pictures I drew him and placed in his lunch sack. He’ll remember that I took him to the park almost as often as he asked. He’ll remember that I constantly spoke to him about the faithfulness and love of God.

Here’s what I’m getting at: I used to want to accomplish great things that everyone in the world would have to acknowledge and admire. I wanted it to be indisputable that I was great. I needed everyone in the world to think I was important and worthy because I needed everyone in the world to convince me that I was important and worthy.

Daniel disillusioned me (in a good way). Once I held him in my arms for the first time, loving him was all that mattered to me. All I could think about was how to give him the foundation for a good life, and that with no expectation of getting anything in return.

Through Daniel, it also finally began to sink in that God loves me as a papa loves his boy. Nothing Daniel does or does not do can make me love him less or more. My love for him is like consciousness itself. I’ll be for him no matter what he becomes or where he goes in this world. The joy of loving my son and relating to him is profound and goes on and on.

Those big goals and long to-do lists are worthless to me now. I don’t need them anymore. I don’t want them anymore.

All the love I will ever need to give or receive in life is already mine.

If I were to live my life for accomplishments, I think I would miss that entirely.

At the top of the post, I said you would find a couple of business items here at the end.

First, I started the daily discipline of writing for this blog to enjoy the gift of writing and to focus my own thoughts. I hoped that by sharing it with the world, a few people would gain something for themselves. One thing I don’t like about this blog platform (svbtle.com) is that comments are not allowed. I feel like I’m missing something really valuable here because I can’t read your own ideas and thoughts. You are welcome to send those to me at bt@btirwin.com. If you think I should choose a new blogging platform that allows comments and discussions, please email me to let me know.

Second, here’s an opportunity to do something meaningful today. Three years ago, I began building a 14-acre community park on the campus of Rochester College in Rochester Hills, Michigan. I love this project because a park is something you build that total strangers can enjoy now and for generations to come. I’m gratified that the project recently qualified for a $50,000 challenge grant from the State of Michigan. I have until October 22 to raise $50,000 to qualify for the grant. We’ll use the money to make the park an even more beautiful and welcoming space for people. Please check out the park and, if you feel good about it, make a contribution here.

Grace and peace to you!