On politics and picking a place to eat

We belong to a group of about 20 friends who, before the pandemic, got together for a meal almost every week.

About twice a month, we met in someone’s home.

The rest of the time, we met at a restaurant.

How hard is it for 20 people to decide where to go out to eat?

You know this puzzle.

It is a hard puzzle even for a family of three!

Sometimes, I think my wife, eight-year old son, and I take more time deciding where to get takeout than the time it takes to go pick up the food and eat it.

In our home, it’s a hard mix: One person (me) wants comfort food, one person (my wife) has IBS, and one person (my son) has the palate of a second grader who wants a McDonald’s Happy Meal every single time.

There have been days when our takeout negotiation broke down and we ended eating carrot sticks and crackers with peanut butter.

Does this ever happen in your family?

So, back to 20 people trying to pick a restaurant. Imagine that!

How would you handle picking a place for 20 people to eat?

Here’s how it normally works out for us.

Someone sticks out her neck and takes responsibility for coordinating the decision-making process. Keep in mind, we work these decisions out over phone calls and text messages. This leader will contact each household and ask for suggestions. Whether or not she gets any suggestions, she normally circles back to everyone on the text chain with two or three options.

At this point, some people will make their preference clear, some people will say they don’t care, and some people will start sending mixed signals (e.g. “On the Border sounds really good, but if everyone else wants to go to LaShish, that’s fine, too”).

The leader tries to get a sense of what most of the group wants. Then she calls two or three other people in the group–normally the ones with kids or strong opinions–and talks over what she is thinking about suggesting to all of us. After this conference, she announces via phone calls or text messages where we will meet to eat. Oftentimes, she will qualify it with: “Unless you have any other ideas.”

Four times out of five, that’s enough. But once in awhile, someone will decide not to meet up with us if they don’t like the option the group chose. In cases like those, the leader may choose to re-open negotiations and the process starts over again.

So, picking a place for 20 people to meet for dinner normally takes the better part of a Sunday afternoon.

But, it’s worth it if we get to be together. All of us end up happy as long as we get to eat and enjoy each other’s company. By the time my fish tacos arrive and I’m laughing at a story my friend is telling us at the table, I’ve already forgotten that I wanted Lebanese instead.

We have a fairly easy group. But I’m sure some people who read this are already thinking about “that one person” among their family or friends who always makes it hard on everyone else.

You know the one. The decision is all but made. But then Aunt Matilda gets either passive aggressive or downright aggressive about expressing her displeasure with it. Now the group has two options:

Option A: Change the plan to make Aunt Matilda happy (but risk making other members of the group un-happy).

Option B: Stick to the plan and risk Aunt Matilda not coming (causing you to miss out on your delightful and funny Uncle Kermit and their three kids). Or Aunt Matilda comes to dinner and complains the entire time. If Aunt Matilda is really a hard case, she could choose her own restaurant and invite some of the group to abandon your restaurant. Some may go with her to avoid conflict or because they feel bad for Uncle Kermit and the kids. Now your group is split in two.

So, picking a restaurant can be a serious business with high stakes!

And don’t forget: After you pick the place to eat, you still have to decide (as a group) what to order off the menu, who is going to sit beside who, and how to divide the check and leave a tip.

Have you ever thought: “It is too hard for this family or this group of friends to pick a place to eat! I hate these people. I’m out of here!”

Have you ever thought: “All of this decision-making and negotiating is just not worth it. I’m eating alone from now on!”

I doubt it. Or, maybe you felt some of those things, but did you act on it?

No. As tiring as it may be, you end up doing the work because life is better together. You end up doing the work because you believe in family or friendship. The rewards far exceed the work.

A republic like the United States is like your large family or group of friends negotiating where to eat. It is hard, messy, and sometimes frustrating. It is a lot of work. Most of the time, you don’t get exactly what you want.

But if you believe in the Republic, you do the work anyway because life is better together. The rewards far exceed the work.

An election process is a lot like 20 people trying to decide where to eat. The text messages start going out and people start sending in their ideas. Through conversation, the options narrow down to two. Then, the group votes on the two options. One option will eventually come out as the winner.

And, like going out to eat with family or friends, if the group does not pick your option you still get to be part of the group. You still get to enjoy all the benefits and blessings of belonging. You still have a seat at the table. You still have a voice to talk about what is important to you. You still get to be part of making memories together.

And, if you stick with your people (even though they picked Applebee’s of all places!), you’ll have a chance to pick the next place the group goes to eat in just a few days.

The important thing is to stick with your family and friends. Because it’s not where you go to eat, it’s who is sharing the meal with you.

And remember: Being in a family or a friendship is not so much for the good times (like going out to dinner), but for the bad times, the hard times. Who will you call when you need encouragement or help or rescue? The very people who chose IHOP (again!) for dinner last Sunday afternoon!

A republic, like family or friendship, is not for the “high times” (like elections) as much as it is for the “low times” when the social fabric of the nation becomes a safety net for those who need it.

I don’t buy that America is divided. I don’t. I know too many Americans who would give the shirt off their backs for someone from the “other side” if they needed it. I know too many Americans who would be happy to break bread with anyone, no matter which candidate they chose in an election.

Most Americans are like our families or groups of friends. We know how hard it can be to make decisions together, but in the end, being together is what we really want. If we don’t get everything we want, we are content with what we get as long as we feel like the rest of the group listened to us.

Politicians can be a lot like “Aunt Matilda,” stirring up bad feelings and distrust to serve their own agendas. Like “Aunt Matilda,” those politicians can often imprint their negativity on the people who follow them.

Our job is not to kick “Aunt Matilda” out of the family. After all, that would mean kicking Uncle Kermit and the kids out of the family, too. It would mean maybe losing some family members who are either closer to “Aunt Matilda” or maybe too afraid to stand up to her.

So, we do the best we can to include “Aunt Matilda” so that we can also include her household and those who are closer to her.

It makes things a lot harder than we wish they would be, but we believe it is worth it because we believe in family.

In this Republic, we believe there is room for everyone at the table. We believe that our life together is better and healthier and richer and stronger when all of us are here. It’s hard work to get us all here, but we believe (and we know) that it is worth it.

Onward and upward.