No more doing more
Do you recall the first time you ever wrote a to-do list?
I began making goals and to-do lists early in high school. I recall filling one side of a sheet of notebook paper with goals and to-dos for each week. That habit is still with me (though in a different form) 26 years later.
I kept some of those lists from different periods of my life: College, early career, seminary, early marriage. Looking back at some of them now, I think: “I must have been crazy to believe I could get all of that stuff done!”
At one point during grad school, my weekly goals list was two and a half pages long! My daily to-do lists could fill an entire sheet of notebook paper. It’s no wonder I burned out and dropped out of seminary. When you spend an hour a day just writing out all of the things you have to do that day, you’re in for some therapy.
And, indeed, I ended up in therapy during seminary. Go figure.
About a year ago, I recognized something alarming: I could not recall a single day in my adult life that ended with a feeling of completion or fulfillment. I could not recall a single day of my adult life in which I went to bed with a tired smile and a whisper: “I wasn’t perfect, but I did my best. It is enough!”
In fact, when I go back through those old to-do lists, I see that on some days I crossed off only one item out of a dozen or 20 or 30. No wonder the climb up the stairs to bed is like the nightly walk of shame.
What is the problem?
For years, I believed I was the problem: I wasn’t hard-working enough to get it all done. I wasn’t smart enough to find a way to do it all. I wasn’t even moral enough to deserve any help from God. And because I believed all of this was true, I wasn’t good enough to ask for help.
In short, the problem was that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t up to the job of living my own life.
Oh, and the shame of not being enough!
That shame made the load even heavier. It’s that shame of not being enough that fed my compulsive behaviors: Binging on junk food and junk media. On some days, just a glance at my impossible to-do list was enough to send me into two or three hours of wallowing in my own inadequacy and shame by eating Oreos while surfing internet porn.
Which only compounded and worsened the problem and the shame.
But things are getting better. Much better.
How?
The first thing is I got help. In March 2015, I hired a business coach with 40-plus years experience at administration. I admitted that I was failing at managing myself and needed someone to help me. A breakthrough happened when a man who has achieved so much in his career and life looked at my to-do list and said: “This is impossible. Nobody could do this. You either need to throw out your to-do list altogether or make one that is very short. That’s the only way you’ll get anything worthwhile done.”
And another breakthrough: “Really good managers get about half of their to-do list done each day. That’s the nature of work. Things come up each day that you can’t anticipate or plan and you do them. Don’t beat yourself up.”
The second thing is I turned 40 while raising a 3-year old. Something about turning 40 while watching my son grow changed my perception of time. Before 40, life felt infinite. There would be plenty of time to do everything I could ever want to do. As my son is growing up and my youth is passing away, time is closing in on me. When I was young, I could make myself believe that I could fill limitless time with unlimited goals and things to do. Now I’m beginning to see how I must make choices and prioritize.
A simple example: I used to work late into the night. It was easy to make a long to-do list at 8 a.m. when I knew I’d still be working at 8 p.m. But now 8 p.m. is my son’s bedtime. We eat as a family and set aside time to play together before that. After he goes to bed, I have about an hour with my wife (the only time we have together each day). We’re so tired by that point we almost always fall asleep on the couch.
Life is setting limits that I didn’t used to have and it’s helping me get real about what I can plan to do in a day or a week or a month or the next ten years. I’m getting my priorities straight.
The third thing is really listening to and practicing the teaching of Jesus Christ. On days when I feel like I’m about to lose my mind and my spirit because I’m trying to do too much, I pause and ask myself (out loud): “Does my life look anything like the life Jesus Christ taught me to live?”
It’s a theme in the Christ’s teaching: Do not worry. Do not get bogged down with a lot of stuff and things to do. Do not work so much because you believe that working is going to give you the life you really want. It won’t. Do not mistake your ability to do more and more as the way to God.
Christ teaches that God is adequate and more. God has abundance and is happiest when he’s sharing it with us. God who loves us is the source of the good life. God wills good things for us. God is ever-present both in times of need and times of plenty. God is the energy that makes us alive and keeps us alive without any help from us.
So be at peace. Enjoy whatever work you have to do without worshipping it. Do what you can when you can. It is enough. Be content with what you have and be grateful for it. Rest.
I look at my frantic life with my many goals and to-dos and I ask: Am I obedient to Jesus Christ? Am I practicing the life he taught me to live?
When the answer is “no,” the next question is: Do I believe Christ or not?
If I believe him, I must change. I must design my life to look like the life he prescribed. And that means doing less, doing just what I can. Trusting God. Not worrying. No shame (and no behaviors that lead to shame).
Because really: How much better will my life be if I find a way to pack more into it? Will one more activity or dollar or hobby or obligation make it that much better? Not only for me, but for the people I love?
No. The Christ is on to something.
And now, by his grace, so am I at last.