Learning to fly in a world full of people climbing ladders

“What do you want to do with your one and only life?”

Jim stared at me from across his desk.

I knew what he wanted me to say: “Marketing.”

But I could not say it because I would not mean it.

“Look Brad,” he said. “This is the chance of a lifetime. Will you really let it go to waste?”

I walked out of Jim’s corner office and went back to my cube. I slumped in the chair and stared out the window.

What did I want to do with my one and only life?

A year ago, I would have given Jim the answer he wanted me to give. I would have jumped on the chance to fill a job that the company’s chief marketing officer made just for me.

But now something seemed off.

I was older. Wiser. I was 24 years old now.

A year earlier, I was a fresh face at the Fortune 500 information technology company that hired me two months before I graduated from college. I was sure the salary on my offer letter was bigger than what my dad earned after 25 years as a preacher. My first day on the job, the company handed me an American Express card and told me not to spend more than $25 (per person) for breakfast or $50 (per person) for dinner! Drinks would always be on the company.

I thanked God. After five years of college and barely coming up with five dollars to go out on Friday nights, I felt like I finally arrived. All that doing without was paying off.

I was rich, single, and young in the big city. At work, the company saw me as a rising star. Doors opened. Perks came my way.

One day, my boss, Jim, called me to his office.

“Brad, I’ve got really good news,” he said. “The chief marketing officer really likes the work you’re doing here in Chicago. He thinks you could do bigger things on his marketing team at world headquarters. So, he is thinking about making a position for you there. He wants you to come work for him.”

I stared back at him.

After a long pause, he said: “Well, what do you think? Will you take it?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I feel like I just got to Chicago. I’m really starting to enjoy the city and make friends here. I have a church. I’m involved in a lot of volunteer work in the city. I just don’t know if I’m ready to leave yet.”

That’s when Jim asked me the question.

“What do you want to do with your one and only life?”

I knew what he wanted me to say.

He wanted me to say that I wanted to use my one and only life to market the hell out of network laser printers and that, yes, I would take that job at HQ.

But I couldn’t do that.

I left a “maybe” in Jim’s office and walked out.

The next few weeks, I fasted and prayed and wrestled with God. By then, I’d been at the company and in the “real world” long enough to see the game. I didn’t care about what people like Jim cared about. I didn’t want to do what people like Jim thought they had to do to get ahead.

And what was the point of “getting ahead” anyway?

Too many of those who did “get ahead” at the company did so at the cost of their children and marriages, their authenticity and integrity, or their livers and lungs.

What if I made it to the top, but it cost everything that made me me?

I admitted to myself that I didn’t care about the company and I was pretty sure that the company didn’t care about me either.

I admitted to myself that my job exhausted me, but that my church and volunteer work inspired me.

Something Jesus said kept going around and around in my head:

“Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Gospel of Matthew 6:33).

I prayed on that for weeks: God, show me what it means to seek your kingdom here and now in the real world. Show me what to do.

At the end of all that prayer and wrestling, I felt like I knew what I had to do.

I quit my job.

The day I gave Jim my resignation letter, I went out to my car and prayed: OK, God. I am making a leap of faith here because I believe you want me to follow you into something other than what you showed me this last year. I am seeking your kingdom and your righteousness. Don’t let me down!

That was 21 years ago and I wish I could say that the path was clear and sure ever since, but that is not true.

The truth is that the path never became clear. As I tried to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,” I rarely knew what to do or where to go next. I feel like my life work happens in the dark and that God gives me a lantern that flickers just enough light to take the next step.

What I can tell you is that the “all these things will be given to you” part is true. I may be groping for God and stumbling through the dark, but I am somehow rich with God’s blessings and provision.

What I am saying is that I don’t know any more today than I knew on the day that Jim asked me what I wanted to do with my one and only life.

All I know is that I want to follow the Holy Spirit of the Christ. I want to be part of the work the Spirit is doing in the world.

Jesus said that the Spirit is wind. We can’t know the wind is coming or going. He said that when a person gives himself to the Spirit, his life will look like the Wind that carries him along.

That picture of being carried by the Wind is nothing like the picture of a ladder that most Americans use to think about their lives and work.

That may explain why I never feel like I fit in.

Jesus didn’t call his people to climb ladders; he called them to fly on the wind of the Spirit.

In a world full of people climbing ladders, people who want to fly look crazy (nod to Seal here).

I can tell you from personal experience that, sometimes, they feel like they must be crazy, too.

So that brings me to this moment (and the point of this post).

Once again, I am at a place that is a lot like the one where Jim asked me his question 21 years ago.

One chapter in my ministry–my work life–is ending on December 31 of this year. It is a chapter that started eight years ago. In the midst of the pandemic, God showed me that it is time for that chapter to end. So I committed to God and the people in my life that I would bring that chapter to a close this year.

That leaves me wondering: What is next?

What will I do starting January 1?

I’m having some trouble finding the updraft of the Spirit, the movement of wind that will carry me up and take me where I need to go next.

I’m also worrying about things like making enough money to keep my covenant of care to my child and wife.

One thing about this time that is better than 21 years ago: I’m old.

I’ve been through this a few times.

I know how it turned out each of those times so I have no reason to doubt that God will make it turn out right this time, too.

But I am only human.

If you keep up with me or read my posts, I think of you as being part of my ministry, part of my story. So if you are already willing to commit energy and time to read what I write, would you be willing to commit a little more energy and time to keep me in your prayers?

We’re not praying for a grand vision here; simply that God will open the right door and that I will have the courage and discernment to go through it.

Thank you.

Grace and peace.