How the man I wanted to hate the most became one of the men I love the most

I was in love. Bad.

It was like a fever that kept me down all day and up all night.

I liked Kerrie from afar for a long time before I got to know her.

From afar, she was all I ever imagined a woman could be. Which is why I thought liking her from afar was all I would ever get to do.

But then we became friends. She liked me back! She wanted to spend time with me! Oh, my God! Could this actually happen? Could she be The One?

Yes, yes! I was sure of it. She was perfect. She liked me. She had to be The One, right?

And so for my (first) senior year of college, Kerrie became The Meaning of Life. Winning her became my passion and purpose. What a wonderful world it would be…if we could be together. Oh, Jesus! Please! Please!

I was afraid to tell her how I really felt about her. I didn’t think I could go on living if she told me she didn’t feel the same way. So I bided my time and looked for signs that she wanted, or would at least welcome, my love.

Some days, I felt hope. On those days, I swaggered across campus and nearly broke into dance and song like I was in a Broadway musical.

By spring break, those days seemed to be getting more common. I was feeling more sure that she might want what I wanted. So I added a minor that would keep me in school for another year. I was building a longer runway for our love to take flight.

Yes. Yes! I just knew it would happen. It had to happen!

But when I got back to campus from spring break, I got news that hit me like sucker punch. I heard through the grapevine that my friend, Jason, also had strong feelings for Kerrie. On spring break, he told someone that he was “going for it.”

I knew a lot of guys liked Kerrie, but finding out that Jason liked her made my (future) life flash before my eyes.

Jason and Kerrie were friends just as Kerrie and I were friends. In fact, their friendship started when they were little kids and followed them all the way to college. They had more memories in common. They had a close, easy friendship that I envied.

Now I feared it.

Fear is the root of anger, so I got angry. I got mad.

Low grade hatred for Jason smoldered in my heart like a fire slowly building behind the walls of a house.

I got crazy. Without saying anything about what was going on to either Jason or Kerrie, I tried to sabotage their friendship. Every time I gave Jason the “one-handed hug” that was common on our Christian college campus, I imagined myself stabbing him in the back.

I mean, what the hell, Jason? You’ve been friends with her all these years and now you decide you want more? Geez, man. You had a hundred chances and you didn’t take them. That’s your sign that you and Kerrie aren’t meant to be! Why don’t you just face it that you’re a “Mr. Was” getting in the way of “Mr. Will Be.” How could you be so selfish? You’re such an ass.

Soon, I was thinking about Jason as much as I was thinking about Kerrie. I was thinking about how he wasn’t as funny as me. He wasn’t as good-looking as me. He wasn’t as smart as me. He wasn’t as spiritual as me.

Then, one day I heard the words of Jesus Christ again:

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven…(Gospel of Matthew 5:44).

Those words bit me hard.

They didn’t change the way I felt about Jason, but, in an instant, they changed the way I saw myself. I saw myself as a man who was neither faithful nor obedient to his Christ.

I had been trying to impress Kerrie with how I was “more Christian” than Jason, but the words of the Christ proved that I was no Christian at all.

So I knocked on Jason’s dorm room door and asked him to come into the hall. We sat across from each other on the floor, Jason leaning against one wall while I leaned against the other.

I told him the truth. I told him how I felt about Kerrie. I told him that I knew how he felt about her. I told him how I felt about him.

And I told him I was sorry. So sorry for holding onto my feeling of anger and hatred. I told him how sorry I was for wanting to harm him. I asked him to think about forgiving me.

I promised that, from that night on, I would pray for him every day. I would pray for his relationship with Kerrie. Even though I still hoped that she and I would end up together, I would entrust the whole thing to God. I would trust that God would work it out for the best for each of us.

Jason was gracious enough to forgive me. He said he wanted to pray for me, too. We clasped hands and prayed for each other on the floor of that dorm hallway.

That prayer became our weekly habit. Starting that night in the dorm, we found time every week to get together to pray for each other. Soon, we weren’t just praying about the thing that brought us together; we prayed about the other burdens each of us was bearing.

A miracle happened.

I began to love Jason. I loved him so much that I rooted for him. I truly wanted the best for him.

My friendship with Kerrie grew, too. Praying for, and with, Jason cleared the air and set me free to just enjoy my relationship with her.

By the end of the school year, Kerrie made her choice. She chose Jason. I felt the loss, but I also felt very happy for two people I loved so much.

Two years later, I was happy to be at their wedding.

More than 20 years later, I am still happy to count them as some of my closest friends in life. I am happy that they still have each other.

As long as we were in college, Jason and I kept up our habit of praying together every week. After college, we moved to different states, but our paths still crossed about once a year. When they did, he and I always broke away for 15 minutes to pray for each other.

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven…(Gospel of Matthew 5:44).

Those words of the Christ are not good advice; they are magic.

Do you hate someone? Do you have an enemy?

If it is safe to do so, go to them and confess your feelings. Ask them if they would like for you to pray for them every day and ask them what they would like for you to pray (make it about them and not about you).

You may be amazed to find out that God can turn your arch enemy into an ardent friend.

But, then again, that is what the kingdom of God is all about.

Grace and peace.