Cold gloom

I woke up around 3:30 a.m. with acid reflux and an icky feeling in my middle.

I went downstairs to take some pink stuff.

I didn’t know if I was going to be sick, but I was sure that I needed some time for the acid reflux to calm down.

And the trouble with getting up at any time during the night is that my head cranks up and doesn’t want to settle down again.

So, I made some hot tea and sat down on the couch to see what would happen. I wanted distract myself from how I felt, so I started flipping from Facebook to the news to solitaire on my phone.

While those things distracted me somewhat from how bad I felt, they didn’t make me feel better.

“Doomscrolling” through Facebook posts and news headlines, I can’t get my mind off of people who died, people who are dying, people who are getting sick. Will I get sick? Will someone I love get sick?

I can’t get my mind off of the troubles of the world and wondering what those troubles will mean for my family.

Finally, at around 6 o'clock, I felt like I got it all out of my system.

Now I’m just really, really tired.

When you wake up way too early, do you ever feel so tired that your body is cold? Mine is cold just now. I want to crawl back into bed and wrap myself in blankets, but my alarm is set for ten minutes from now. There is no use.

I am resigning myself to feeling tired and under the weather all day.

I think about the lessons I need to teach my second grader (at home because of the COVID epidemic in our area). I think about how he will need me to play with him today. The dog will need a long walk. I promised my wife I would get groceries. I have a lot of deadline work to do for the organization I lead.

To be honest, nothing on my to-do list today holds out much promise for inspiration or stimulation. It’s all work I’ve got to do. None of it is work that I am excited to do.

And I see no hope for a nap today.

It is an hour before the sun comes up and I am already thinking about how early I can get to bed tonight.

Cold gloom. That’s me this morning. Cold gloom.

I do think about God in moments like these.

I wonder: “Where is God [in relation to these feelings and thoughts of mine]?”

I think the answer is perhaps the biggest reason I choose to be a Christian.

The answer is: God is in this.

The story of Jesus is the story of the Divine getting acid reflux and upset stomach at 3:30 a.m.

The story of Jesus is the story of the Divine trying to get warm in the early morning darkness because it is no use trying to go back to sleep.

The story of Jesus is the story of the Divine being alone with his thoughts. “Doomscrolling” is one thing, but Jesus knew what was coming to him. What does a man do with those feelings when he is all alone in the dark?

The story of Jesus is the story of the Divine feeling anxiety, discomfort, exhaustion, and tension all over skin and in his guts.

The story of Jesus is the story of the Divine descending into cold gloom.

I am in cold gloom this morning, but I have this one small comfort: Someone else is right here in it with me.

Grace and peace.